One test, one massage, two decent nights' sleep, and a whole lot of coffee later I feel more or less recovered from my weekend. Monday was pretty bad, though. I was a zombie all day. All night, too. I am convinced I did lousy on the test, and by lousy I mean a B, so I'm trying to not think about it. Because I am naturally recursive it bothers me that it bothers me. You know, I was perfectly okay thinking I was going to get a C until I discovered I have a chance at an A. Now I have to get an A in my class or I'll feel like I've blown a chance at ... what? Dean's list? I never was going to be on it. A better job? I'm not in college to further my career. So what does it matter if I get a B on the test? Perfectionism is a bitch.
It doesn't rule my life the way it used to, thank god. It mostly emerges in a few, select situations. Grades are obviously one of them, and a socially acceptable one at that. I'm grateful I was never psychologically inclined to anorexia. That seems to be a common side effect of perfectionism in adolescent girls today. I don't understand it entirely, but I believe I understand the beginnings of it. It's an attempt to exert control over something in your life when so much seems chaotic and arbitrary, to find power when you feel powerless. A constant diet of judgmental comments and behavior that implies you're not okay the way you are can make a person feel it's better to be someone else, to hide behind a facade. What better way to hide than to become a perfectionist? If you're perfect, no one will ever notice all those things supposedly wrong with you. If you're just thin enough, quiet enough, smart enough, say all the right things, wear all the right clothes, you'll be safe. No one can tell you're secretly afraid. No one can tell you're hiding. They'll just accept you as one of them. Perfect.
Perfectionism is a powerful motivator. It makes you very good at imitating others, good at protective coloration. It can push you into getting good grades, taking up activities, spotting popular trends, trying new things, learning to look like you know what you're doing. These are all fine things to know. It's not entirely bad. It's just not very healthy in the long term if that's the only way you know to motivate yourself, especially since it's a trick to fool others and not a natural desire to learn more. I've spent the better part of two decades trying to get rid of bad motivators and use positive ones.
But when it comes to grades I can't seem to stop holding myself to insanely high standards. I'm still afraid, still sure I'll make a fatal mistake somewhere along the line, forget to go to class or mishear what the teacher said or write a paper on the wrong topic, and fail. Failing is unforgiveable if you're a perfectionist, of course. It's shameful, and you never learn anything from it other than to try not to fail again.
Well, nuts to that. Failure is part of learning. Failure is not shameful. To think otherwise is faulty reasoning. Also, coming in third, or not getting the job, or being turned down for a date is not automatically a failure. I don't expect myself to be the very tippy toppy best at everything I do or try. And yet I do not seem to know how to tone down the rabid perfectionism if grades are involved. There's some very old, creaky belief system still at work when it comes to grades.
Eventually I want to be in an educational situation where there aren't any grades, simply challenges and deadlines and responses. An adult education class, maybe, where I learn a new skill or art, no credits involved. Even a writing workshop would be different. No grades, just people critiquing my work and me deciding if I think they're right or wrong. Getting my degree will eliminate the biggest encouragement to backsliding I know of. I won't be sorry to say goodbye to that bad habit again.
Maybe I should cut back on the coffee while I'm at it.
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