I knew it was coming, but it was still immobilizing when it happened: I stressed out at work this afternoon and decided to quit. Sitting at my desk staring at the clutter of paper (unnecessary paper! What are computers for, if we still have to fill out forms and make hard copies of everything?), I could feel the familiar, stomach-turning dread spread through me. I wanted to walk out so badly my mouth was parched with the strength of the desire. Cutting and running is utterly cowardly, though. Besides, I can't afford to just walk out, even if there are a million jobs in the Bay Area. I have my reputation to consider.
Instead, I got hyped up on caffeine in order to get through the day. Then, I decided to share my innermost feelings with my co-workers, and talked about feeling like a chump with two of the other employees (who went to great lengths to assure me I was doing an amazing job). Later, I talked to the bosses about shifting my workload towards leisure as soon as humanly possible. Now I'm home and feeling much better about the whole situation. Unfortunately, I'm still hyped up on caffeine. Even applying a large burrito didn't calm me down (the burrito is applied internally, smarty-boots). However, it's begun raining so I'm enjoying the soothing rhythm as I ponder how to turn my hitherto unemployable talents into something interesting and lucrative. Until I figure that out, I think I'll stop talking about work.
In all other ways, I am enjoying myself with much gusto. Each day I rediscover something uniquely wonderful about living in northern California. Certain words, patterns of speech, trees and plants long forgotten, scents, shapes, architectural styles, the call of birds, the color of the light; all of these things fill me with nearly unbearable pleasure, silently relished as I go about my business. The tawny lines of the hills, the swooping curve of a seagull's silhouette, and the cheerful tones of Cantonese ignite sparks of joy in me. I'm being slowly, gently, lovingly wrapped in the colorful and familiar quilt of this culture.
