I'm fighting a losing battle over this job situation. I really don't want to be doing travel any more. No, that's not quite right. I don't want to be working in another office where I spend the days trying to please customers without contributing anything personal besides my voice. I want to be doing the thing they're buying. I would be a lot more interested in travel if I were going on the trips myself. Maybe I ought to be a tour guide. Perhaps someone, somewhere, is running a Jane Austen's England tour, or a L'Ancienne Regime tour of France, or even The Coffees Of Central America tour. Perhaps I should do them. Specialty tours would be interesting. A lot of work, though. I wouldn't want to do it by myself, and I don't know anyone else in the travel industry; at least, no one I'd consider starting a business with.
I've been secretly depressed about the whole thing this weekend. Drooping. Feeling like hiding. Wanting to stay in my bed, or flipping through the paper in a comfy chair, or doodling around online, instead of getting out. I turned down a trip to the ocean and a run up to the City, two things I missed desperately while I was away for 8 years. Jeez. I get into a self-denial thing when I'm this down about my job. Striking a bargain with myself sometimes works, though. So I've been giving in to the downer mood as long as I keep trying to think through how to move on to something I want to do. I decided I needed a little non-linear divination so I went over to Cafe Nation. This is a fabulous site if you haven't been there.
I actually made a cup of coffee, thought of my question while inhaling the fresh-brewed fragrance, and clicked on the "ask" button. Here's what it said to my query about looking for another job:
New Orleans
Description: While no coffee is grown in this part of the world,
locals blend dark, rich coffee beans with chicory root, creating
a distinct regional trademark.
Interpretation: Now is the time to take all that you have and
make it work. While your resources may at first seem limited,
by trying surprising combinations you may find a solution that
is, in the end, better than any easy answer.
Not quite the perspective I'd been bringing to the problem, and a good one to consider. Help, help, I need some perspective! Up, down, up, down, up. It's nothing like the whole body mood swings just prior to my move; these are subtle and easier to hide but I'm not fooled into thinking they aren't having an effect. The skin on my hands always get dry and painfully itchy when I'm in the early stages of freaking out. Nerves, the doctors keep telling me whenever I bother to consult one. Nothing they can do, can't cure it, can't stop it, it's purely brought on by being too high-strung for my own good. I guess it's better than being psychotic but it sure is a pain in the hoohah.
Hiding is a big issue. Secret eating leads to unwanted fat. Secret emotional upsets lead to body problems. Secrets are only fun when you know you'll get to tell them eventually. Secrets hurt if you're not careful. I'm sick of secrets. Pretending to like my job is damaging me, and I intend to do something about it now before it becomes a problem for everyone.
Wonder if I've got any chicory?
