What follows is a survey to determine the moral character and ethical fortitude of yourself and your friends. Simply copy the questions into an e-mail, answer them and send them off to your friends, making sure to send a copy to me. Or, of course, you can put your answers on your own web page and direct my attention there. This survey was concocted by Ms. Lucy Huntzinger of Palo Alto, CA, and Mr. Rick McGinnis of Toronto, ON, through the miracle of e-mail technology.
IS VOTING MANDATORY IN YOUR COUNTRY? IF IT'S NOT, SHOULD IT BE?
It should be. I'd prefer the average American to be more politically involved. As it is, we end up with really frightening choices at the top level.
WHAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT INVENTION OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY?
Ibuprofen. I guess that's a discovery, not an invention. But it's what makes my life worth living so I'm sticking with it.
WHAT BOOK INFLUENCED YOU MOST AS AN ADOLESCENT?
Early adolescence: J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings trilogy. Mid-adolescence: You're Stepping on my Cloak and Dagger, Roger Hall's humorous account of his time in the O.S.S., the only book I ever stole from the library. The book that catapulted me right out of adolescence: Ned Rorem's Paris and New York Diaries.
WHAT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE DO YOU MOST REGRET, AND WHY?
I deeply regret ruining a friendship with a lie. In college I met a wonderfully talented musician named Joan Hovnanian. I was desperate to make friends, but not very good at that sort of thing. For some reason I said I went to high school with her. It forged a tenous connection, and we went on to become best friends. Eventually she figured out that I didn't go to her high school, and there was a humiliating scene. It still haunts me.
YOU HAVE A GUN, ONE BULLET, AND COMPLETE IMMUNITY -- WHO DO YOU KILL?
No one. I can only (barely) imagine killing someone in self-defense. I couldn't do it altruistically.
DOES THE END EVER JUSTIFY THE MEANS?
Never. That way lies madness.
HENRY KISSINGER OR CHOU EN-LAI?
Chou En-Lai. Henry always made my skin crawl.
MARILYN MONROE OR AUDREY HEPBURN?
Hepburn. I'll take soigne over soubriette any day.
SINCLAIR OR SHERIDAN?
Sinclair. Babylon 5 was science fiction with Sinclair as the lead. The Sheridan business turned it into television.
NAME YOUR FAVORITE WEBSITE.
Astronomy Picture of the Day.
WOULD YOU APPEAR ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW IF YOU WERE INVITED TO?
No way. There isn't anything I need to know about a person that has to be learned on television.
WHO WOULD MAKE THE IDEAL MC FOR 'WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE'?
Dave Barry.
WHAT WAS THE FIRST RECORD, CASSETTE, OR CD YOU BOUGHT?
"Golden Biscuit," Three Dog Night. Of course, now that I've told you, I'll have to kill you.
MOVIE/TELEVISION CHARACTER YOU FEEL MOST EMPATHY FOR:
Greer Garson's portrayal of Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice.
WHOSE CELEBRITY DO YOU FIND MOST BAFFLING?
Monica Lewinsky.
DO YOU THINK UNUSUAL NAMES ARE COOL AND CREATIVE, OR A SIGN OF DERANGED PARENTS?
Massively cool and creative. I tend to despise anyone who chooses boring, common names.
NAME THE PLACE THAT MOST FASCINATES YOU, IN OR OUT OF THIS WORLD, THAT YOU'LL PROBABLY NEVER VISIT FOR FEAR IT'LL DISAPPOINT YOU:
Doesn't exist. I've gone most of the places I fantasized about as a kid. They've always lived up to or exceeded my dreams.
IF YOU COULD HIRE SOMEBODY TO DO SOMETHING FOR YOU, SOMETHING YOU HATE DOING BUT HAVE TO DO, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Get up in the morning.
COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE: "YOU COULD NOT PAY ME ENOUGH TO ..."
"...live in the South again."
IF YOU HAD TO CHANGE YOUR NAME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE IT TO?
Athenais Austen.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF, PHYSICAL OR OTHERWISE, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
I've always hated having freckles. They're so undignified. I would like to have freckle-free skin.
WHERE/HOW DO YOU WANT TO DIE?
At home, gently.
WHAT VEHICLE -- CAR, PLANE, BOAT, ETC. -- WOULD YOU LIKE TO DRIVE REGULARLY?
A Jaguar XJ6.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE SO DRUNK YOU GOT SICK?
Pukingly sick? Sometime in the 70's, probably. I never did like alcohol.
WHICH IS MORE THRILLING, SPEED OR HEIGHT?
Speed combined with height. Downhill skiing is the greatest.
IF YOU COULD MORPH BACK AND FORTH INTO AN ANIMAL FORM, WHAT ANIMAL WOULD YOU BE?
An owl. I've always wanted to be able to turn my head 360 degrees. Flying would be keen, too.
IF YOU COULD WALK INTO ANY PAINTING AND EMERGE IN THE WORLD IT PORTRAYS, WHICH PAINTING WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
Any family portrait by Johann Zoffany.
A TIME MACHINE WILL TAKE YOU ANYWHERE YOU WANT TO GO FOR ONE DAY. WHERE DO YOU GO?
San Francisco, or its equivalent, January 3000.
YOU CAN ONLY WEAR ONE SET OF CLOTHES, WHICH WILL BE MIRACULOUSLY CLEANED AND REPAIRED EVERY MORNING WHEN YOU WAKE UP -- WHAT WILL THEY BE?
A white t-shirt, a pale grey hooded sweatshirt, grey leggings, white socks, and white tennis shoes.
WHAT IS THE PERFECT MEAL?
A glass of pinot grigio, a salad with bleu cheese dressing, a medium-rare filet mignon, a baked potato with butter and sour cream, and cheesecake for dessert, topped off with really excellent coffee.
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:
Rick and I wrote this together, so I'll say something nice about him. He takes complete responsibility for himself. I happen to admire that a great deal.
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