12/07/98

I just love the Palo Alto Daily News. It's the free rag I pick up each morning at the train station, and can read from cover to cover in 15 minutes which is how long it takes me to get to my station. I read it for the daily columnists (especially Stan Sinberg and Teckla Nee), the comics, and the Atherton-Mountain View-Palo Alto police blotter. The actual news content is heavy on the City Council feuds and rather light on anything else. The blotter is really the best thing about it. Today's lead entry is a great example.

ATHERTON First block Melanie Lane, 5:16 p.m.: A resident called police after a golden cocker spaniel ran into her house and jumped on a guest.

Whoa, what a nightmare! I can see it now! A huge, slavering beast bursts in upon the delicate, unsuspecting flower of Atherton womanhood and menaces them. Slowly he advances upon one of the terrified guests, rising up, up, up to lugubriously leave paw prints all over her Michael Kors twin set. His glowing brown eyes seem to pierce her very soul. She faints. The police rush to the rescue. Arf, says the intruder unrepentently.

But that's not all that happened last week in swinging Atherton, California, no sir.

ATHERTON 200 block Polhemus Ave., 3:51 p.m.: Vandals moved a large decorative rock.

Holy cow, Martha, call the police! Someone's moved the large decorative rock and set it right on top of the zinnias! Boy, what a dashing escapade that must have been. After all, your basic large rocks are notoriously heavy and awkward. I'm guessing this one was carved in the shape of Cindy Crawford or something to have been of interest to the criminal minds sneaking around Atherton. Then they tried to lift it and gave themselves hernias, no doubt.

Maybe they were so demoralized by misjudging the rock thing that they decided to do some real crimes and let loose a cocker spaniel to terrorize the neighborhood in retaliation. I'm thinking they don't have enough to do in Atherton.