I joined Weight Watchers today. I can't get into any of my clothes, and I'll be damned before I buy anything in size 20. Which is frankly what I should be buying but I refuse because it would hurt my feelings dreadfully. We all have internal brick walls, and that's one of mine. So I signed up for the Online version, and entered all my points in my journal, and I'm officially watching what I eat. It is my sincere hope that this will get me to stop eating what's convenient and genuinely pay attention to food instead of just shovelling it in.
It was the photos, you know. I was so slim in 1987! I want to be that slim again. Luckily, it's the target goal for women my height and age, or it will be starting next year. Up to age 44 they still expect me to have a target weight of 120-144 pounds. Now that's comedy! I will never see anything in the one twenties again in this life, baby. 150 is just perfect, my 1987 weight, and that's where I'm headed.
I've still got my gym membership, and I'm still motivated to work out. I'll have to if I really want to keep toned once the weight comes off. And it will; I lost quite a bit on Weight Watchers ten years ago, and kept it off for a long time. Then, shamefully, I started eating for comfort again, and lost the self-righteous discipline, and before I knew it I was shopping at Lane Bryant's. Today I made a promise to myself: I am never buying another piece of clothing from a fat woman's store. I'm glad they're there, I'm glad designers have made huge strides in designing attractive clothing for larger women, but I flat out refuse to buy new clothes until I'm a size 16 and can go into the regular women's clothing department.
See, 20 pounds from now all my size 18's will fit with no problem (2X in women's sizes). 40 pounds from now I'll be a 16 (1X), so I'll need new clothes and it will be a great reward for losing that much weight. And 60 pounds from now I'll be at my target weight and be a size 14 (L or XL depending on how tight I want to wear my tops) which means more new clothes and goodbye to hiding my body under loose tunics and floppy pants. My plan is to achieve this within a year. If it goes really well it could take a mere eight months, but I'm not pushing it. Two pounds a week, that's all I ask. I've never been a dieter, always hated exercising, but an important corner in my life has been turned and this is one expression of it.
If I'm really going to get my head together, if I'm really going to stop taking the easy way out and confront my fears, then I need to integrate my internal self with my external self. I need to find comfort somewhere other than the bottom of a bag of Cheetos. I need to be brave enough to look slim and sexy. If I need something, I will go after it instead of hiding from it and eating to fill the emptiness.
The fun part is this means cooking again. I love to cook. I wonder where all my cookbooks are?
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