Eureka. Found the belief system that formed the foundation for other beliefs and behavior which resulted in panic attacks. It's simple. It's poisonous. It's based on a sad little story a child told herself to explain why she had so much trouble interacting with everyone, to explain the pain of being different. A self-image that persisted even after she grew up and changed and learned to interact easily with others, and decided it was okay to be different.
I've got a neat trick for catching myself in the act of believing that sad story. Oh, it's the cleverest thing in the world, but I can't tell you here because it would offend some people. But it's cool, and it works. It gives me permission to be myself as I am now. It is an amazing feeling when I notice it, as though I'd been three layers out of sync all these years and now my color process is properly aligned. Lucy in 3-D!
Meanwhile, I've been chugging along in the world of travel as business picks up a little. This is a slow time of year normally, so what would have seemed frightfully minor last year seems like a victory now. A cruise for January. An airfare bought on the spot. A quick trip to Hawaii for a fabulous price snapped up instead of scorned. It makes me feel so much better.
The paper for Philosophy was turned in on time and as close to MLA style as I could make it considering all my sources were from the Internet. Alas! Woe! We are not allowed to simply read it to our classmates. We will be arguing it from memory, seven minutes to convince our fellow students of what we said in the paper, seven minutes to lose our heads and forget our three points and the pre-summary summary. So: time to memorize it, practice it, convince the cats that racial profiling is inefficient, unreliable, harmful, and a violation of civil liberties. The cats do not know who Wen Ho Lee is, but they will by the time I'm done.
Also, I wuz robbed. This is no philosophy class, this is a class in argument, rhetoric and formal logic. Venn diagrams have entered my life. I am filled with dismay. Venn diagrams are MATH. What a dirty trick. Actually, it's not too bad. I mean, it is math, but it's math with circles to fill in or x out which I like. My biggest problem is reading a diagram to determine if it has proved the logical validity of an argument. I keep forgetting shaded areas are unpopulated.
Truthfully, I don't feel any concern that I don't understand Venn diagrams. I recognise that if I practice them, if I study carefully, I will grasp the principles long enough to pass my final. Big deal. I can do that.
If I needed any more proof that my math anxiety is cured for good I think this would do it.
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