It's well into autumn now. The weather is cool every day, not just once in a while. It's supposed to rain for the next week. My summer annuals have died off, and most of my perennials are bare sticks or completely hidden in the soil. There are still many beautiful hues in the trees and on the hillsides, and Northern California never gets so dismally grey-brown as the Pacific Northwest once the leaves have gone, but it's still so much less green than a month ago that I feel a little melancholic over the passing of the season.
At the turning of the year I tend to think over all the deaths and losses in my life. It seems important to gather them together and keep the memories alive. Though it's been eight months I'm still in deep mourning for my dog Dixie; I cry, involuntarily, whenever I talk about her. I don't think a week passes without my saying I miss her to someone. I have lost many other pets in my lifetime, but this one was different. She was the first pet John and I had together. She lived with us for 11 years. She was a member of the family. I know now it will be years before time builds a sufficient barrier around the pain of her absence.
It's been a year and a week since Ginkgo killed herself. It's not the same kind of loss, our friendship was a distant one, based on email and mutual admiration, but I felt a particular connection with her. I still regret she could not overcome her demons, still wish I could talk to her just one more time. I miss her dedicated passion for beauty. I miss her delicacy, her earthiness, her vulnerability, and her sharp awareness of human foibles. I particularly associate her with Halloween, and remember with awe her intense preparations for the fabulously inventive Halloween Ball that she created online every year. Twice, I contributed rooms for the Haunted Mansion. Sometimes I visit it just to admire the artistry and hard work that went into the technical aspects of it. I never reread her entries, it would hurt too much to think that she's gone. But I can bear witness to her love of beauty and her whole-hearted expression of it through her graphics.
On a grey, melancholic day when depression and despair threaten to take up residence I find it helpful to remember the profound joy of a pet's companionship, the glory of artistic inspiration, the warmth of friendship in any season.
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