I'm drinking my first cup of coffee at 11am, and trying to relax. Actually, I am fairly relaxed. I feel better just having things settled about the dog even if it's not good news. I really am intensely oppressed by impending doom. It's always so much worse than facing up to things. So now I'm going to carry on with my life, knowing what to do next. I had a look at some of the swell personality tests on the Web. I found the Kingdomality test which purports to discover what you would have been if you'd lived in medieval times and went looking for a career. I would have been a Minstrel, apparently. No surprise there. Writing, singing, traveling around; these have always been my career options. I'm a little grasshopper among the ants. Huzzah!

Since I was browsing, I had a look at the new Alta Vista pages. These are far more accurate than they used to be. Now when you ask for Lucy Huntzinger you actually get my pages as the top five entries. After that, it goes to the ancestral manse in Wyomissing, Pennsylvania. Yep, there is a Huntzinger Road, and a house for sale on it; the house was built in 1860. It's not my branch of the family's ancestral home, however. We hail from Indiana, Oklahoma, Colorado, Wyoming, and the west coast states. There's a whole northern Huntzinger crowd who spread out from Pennsylvania to Missouri, Nebraska, and then scattered across the west. I've probably mentioned this before, but a couple of them have written to me. They do seem to have a hard time believing we're not closely related, but there it is. Hugh Huntzinger actually sent me our family crest (well, a .jpg of it) with a greyhound, rampant, on it. I think this is charming. Almost as authentic as a "new" Scots tartan.

This is a totally disjointed entry, I realize, but I have stuff to say and I can't be bothered to tie it neatly together today. I feel like rambling, spitting out what's on my mind, getting to the heart of the matter in some areas and being facetious in others. One of the things that's been on my mind is talking about sex, sexuality, people I know in real life, relationships, friendships, and all kinds of emotional hoohah. I can't do it openly in this journal. It affects too many other people who have not given me permission to write about them. Also, since I'm married, I know people would make assumptions about my sex life with my husband even if I were talking about things that happened 10 years ago, or things I'd like to do, and all that rot. I was going to start a secret diary but the longer I think about it, the less I feel like doing that. I mean, it's hard enough to write here regularly. So what can I do? I think I may have to set up a separate essay section, have it not attached to the journal per se, and write about those things there using pseudonyms for everyone I want to talk about.

God, that's a lot of work. Would it be so horrible if I really said what I thought? Would it kill anyone if they knew how I felt about them? My trouble is I'm so hideously sentimental and I fear letting anyone know how much I think of them. Trying to be cool versus being myself. God forbid someone find out I always had a crush on them, or that I resent person X not spending enough time with me, or that I have sexual interests that might seem at odds with my social personality. I don't know! I'm not deeply weird or liable to shock anyone with my secrets. I just don't feel like I can open that box for you to peer into without damaging someone's feelings, or my credibility, or possibly losing some self-respect.