Because the fares in general are so good Trish Homis and I are going to Las Vegas next month for a short weekend visit. Sei might come along, too, depending on her schedule. And I decided I wanted to see my family in the desert right before Christmas so I'm going to buzz down to Palm Desert in early December for a three day getaway. I hope it's all decorated for the holidays, I quite fancy seeing palm trees done up like Christmas trees, jingle bell bedecked howling coyotes, and other delightful examples of cognitive dissonance.

Had an interesting back to to back set of doctor appointments last night. I've switched to weekly sessions with the psychologist as I feel strongly in need of regular feedback right now. It's like paleontology, I need someone there with a light ready to shine on the fragile archaeopteryx bones so I don't accidentally break them or miss them altogether. Er... wait, I didn't mean my mind is a dinosaur. Okay, forget that metaphor. We're doing some interesting work, figuring out what series of misapprehensions, peculiar beliefs, outdated survival techniques, and emotional barriers are at the root of the panic attacks. I am just amazed at how well a psychologist can get to the heart of something with what seem like fragmented sentences and digressions on my part. Terrific stuff, take my word for it.

After that I dashed over to my new psychiatrist, a fellow who has evening appointments every day of the week instead of just on Mondays like the other chap. We got on very well. He seemed quite comfortable with my personality and my assessment of things. He could easily be intimidated, irritated, or on a power trip as is my unfailing experience with general physicians, so I am grateful to find yet another excellent mental health professional. We agreed I would up the dosage of my current medication as I am still having panic attacks, but I need not try another SSRI since I had such an unusual reaction to the last one. Whew! It's a bore having to take pills, but I will do whatever it takes to hold back the anxiety while I hunt around for what's causing it. All I ask is that I not be doped up, and this drug will not do that.

I'm finding working out is very helpful in many ways. It eliminates some of the unwanted adrenaline from the panic attacks as well as reducing stress (and boy, am I stressed. We have had nothing to do all week at work. No business to speak of, no phone calls, few walk ins. It's horrible, but temporary -- I hope). Also, I can see my arm muscles developing, it's so cool. And now some of the guys at the gym recognise me on the street so we nod and smile a little. I go at least once and usually twice a week which is astonishingly consistent for someone who doesn't like sweating or exercising. It's been five months now, you know. I watch everyone at the gym, especially if they're working out on a machine I want to try. There are lots of men who lift stupendous amounts of weight as part of their routine. I'm in love with this one man who I am convinced is a horrendously boring stockbroker or some such, but he's got the nicest body -- tall, big, muscular, built on classical lines. What my grandmother would have called "a strapping young man." There are also some super scary overly buff men there, too. And every one of them shaves their head, I wonder why that is? They can't all be going bald from steroids, can they?

So I've done my duty this week with workouts and doctors' appointments and class and grocery shopping and all that. Tomorrow is Friday and by gum I'm going to go straight home from work and ... do laundry. My laundry basket is bursting at the plastic seams. I don't understand how two people can create so many dirty clothes each week. I blame John, I think his socks breed. They're certainly found all over the house in unlikely places. Anyway, I'll do laundry and some more Philosophy homework instead of going out. My idea of a triff Friday night right now.

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