Oh. Well, I still got an A. I obviously understand the material. So that's all right, then.

I've been watching some of the Olympics in between studying, although I'm not in the least interested in the swimming which seems to be the only thing broadcast in the evenings. I saw a bit of men's gymnastics tonight, and while I was impressed by their physical prowess and technical skills I mostly marveled at how enormous their arms and shoulders are. I really like the women's uneven bars and balance beam competitions. I loved gymnastics when I was a kid. I signed up for extracurricular gymnastics in junior high after enjoying it during P.E., but I discovered that I was already years behind. By ninth grade all the kids who were serious about it had been taking private lessons for ages, and the coachs didn't spend much time with the ones who were just learning other than spotting us at tumbling and urging us to hurry up so the next girl could get on the bars. I ended up spending most of my time smoking cigarettes with my friend Terri out behind the school. I would rather have learned how to fly through the air with the greatest of ease.

It still makes me a bit mad thinking about it which is kind of funny. I had a very ordinary suburban upbringing. Everyone I knew had some after-school tutoring or lessons and part time jobs, and I was no exception. Still, I was always amazed by the overachievers, the kids who also took honors classes, and joined all the school clubs, and did volunteer work with worthy associations, and generally acted like little adults aiming to get promoted. I went home and played after school. It didn't occur to me to plan ahead for myself beyond graduating, and my parents weren't going to pay for more than a state university so I didn't have to worry about getting into Harvard or Stanford even if I'd had the grades. I moseyed through my adolescence, wondering when inspiration would strike and I'd know what I wanted to do with my life, and every once in a while I'd try something new only to realize that I should have decided when I was 10, or 8, or 5 that I wanted to be a gymnast or a competitive swimmer or whatever.

Of course, I have never been fond of competition. I'm competitive in fits and starts (look, I got an A on my quiz!), but it always fizzles out. I think I used to blame my parents a little for not recognising my genius at something. If only they'd realized I was born to be the world's greatest whatsit I could have started early and been a top performer by age 16. But no, they just let me come home after school and play. They didn't tell me there was a race on!

Naturally, it isn't their fault. Top performers are singleminded about their goals. I wasn't singleminded about anything but reading and daydreaming. If I'd truly wanted something I would have pursued it. Alas, I suffer from a profound laziness. All my life I've found it difficult to expend effort on anything that's not instantly rewarding. I could never have put in the hours necesary to be a good gymnast. I would have begged to stop the lessons the instant I got hurt, or got bored. There was never a chance I'd have become an Olympic contender, weight and height issues aside.

But I would have liked to have been the kind of person who tried.

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