"You need to go," she said today in her unique German-Israeli-Southern accent. "You cannot be without your Jewishness. It will help you feel grounded." Kassi is very persuasive. You ought to hear her bully her clients. She is utterly sincere, though. I was moved by her desire for me to understand my own roots. She is possibly the only person in Nashville who's urged me to go to a religious service who hasn't made me feel defensive. So I'll go. My first time. I've never been to a Jewish service.

I don't miss organized religion. I've had enough discipline and authority figures and rules to last a lifetime. Still, I need to get outside of myself more. I've deliberately held myself apart from everyone here. I've been a terrible snob about being from somewhere else, somewhere more sophisticated, more suitable to my tastes and temperament. I've secretly reveled in being the outsider. It's a position I adopted once I decided no one liked me here, that I wasn't going to make friends no matter how hard I tried. I went on the offensive, if you like. "I'm a weirdo. Thpppt!" It's been an effective way of protecting myself emotionally. Only, well, I don't want to be this way anymore.

Part of taking time off this year was to let the false constructs and arbitrary emergencies of a daily job slip away so I could think clearly. Time to reassess, time to listen to myself without the need to cope with a hostile environment masking the inner voice. I think it worked quite well. One of the things I want to try is (one more time) getting involved with a group of locals. I have enjoyed being a part of the Jane Austen Society here, but we meet only four times a year, and that's not much of a social life. So, hey, I'll try going to Friday service. After all, my mom always told me to join a church group. This isn't what she had in mind, but the principle's the same.

Look, ma. I finally took your advice.