I've had a very busy "week off." In fact, I spent just as much time online as normal, but I didn't write entries. Instead, I addressed the extremely hot topic of diarists, donations, and sponsorship by discussing it on my forum, discussing it in other people's forums, exchanging email with about five million people, and talking about it in person. I caught up on every single Archipelago diary, and my Other Diaries list, and I read some new diaries. Mostly I mulled over my thoughts on why I do this one.
I have concluded that I write Aries Moon for the following reasons: love of the art of writing, pursuit of a skill, a desire to entertain myself and anyone who cares to join me, the pleasure of communicating, therapeutic release, autobiography, and an opportunity to speak my mind. It is a privilege to have an audience, and I'm very fond of mine. I particularly like knowing there are so many fannish friends and acquaintances who keep up with my life through this diary even though I no longer trade zines, or LoC, or even attend many conventions. It's my fanac, and my participation in fandom is of the utmost importance to me.
I have also concluded that there are several things I am not doing with my diary. I am not in a writing contest, despite occasionally succumbing to despair over numbers, or awards, or whatever fool thing my competitive nerve is twanged by. I think of myself as a specialist, and so there's no reason to compare myself to a generalist which is when I get most bent out of shape. See: cake, having, eating. Finally, I've thought carefully about the possibility of accepting sponsorship or donations for my site should those opportunities come up. I have decided it would not work for me. I consider my diary trading material which means I support the cost of it. A reader can trade for it by emailing me, writing in the forum, or exchanging diary URLs. This is the kind of social contract I am most comfortable with.
There are residual moments of sadness and dismay, but my thick skin is growing back and I hope I've recovered my common sense. The edge of hysteria I felt was due to a cluster of problems: sudden self-doubt, fear of being marginalized, the clonk on the back of my head from the Clue Stick. I still think I raised reasonable questions in amongst the emotional murk. It was really interesting hearing so many different points of view. It was a good town hall meeting.
I'm ready to move on. This crisis of faith is officially concluded.
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