It's official, I got an A in Oceanography. I have to wait until the 11th to hear about Biology as the grades aren't posted until then, but my Oceanography professor was willing to tell me the results from his class via email. I know there's no pleasing me, but it kind of bothered me that I only got high B's on both the midterm and the final. The extra credit I earned is what pushed me into the A. I studied really hard, and I listened carefully in class, and I took copious notes, and I asked questions, and I thought I understood the subject matter. This is what got me: that was my very best effort and I could only manage B's on the tests. When am I ever going to be the top student? When will I be good enough to satisfy my high standards?
Well, maybe it wasn't my best effort. It was the best I could do while working 40 hours a week and taking another difficult science class while still maintaining a hint of a social life. I realize I'm hard on myself. But I fight an innate laziness. You may get the impression that I'm slothful and dilatory now. You know nothing about it. I once gave into the desire to stop trying to be better than I am. It lasted two years and at the end of that time I was miserable, desperately bored, fearful of change, and afraid that I'd never be able to use my brain properly again. So I know the kind of depths to which I'm capable of descending. I never want to go there again.
I'll tell you, though, no matter what grades I get these classes are so good for me. They add new information to my worldview, they get me making associations I would never have thought of on my own, they give me confidence in my ability to tackle any subject at all. When I decided on State, John reminded me this would mean taking Statistics after all. "That's fine, I can manage Statistics," I said without hesitating, and realized it was true. I'm not afraid of math any more.
I'm going to stop analyzing it. I got an A. That's good enough for me.
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