Lauren Holly, for instance. She should be ashamed of wearing a Valentino gown that looks like her mom's old nightie. It was too tight, too loud, and made her look like a frumpy hausfrau (which is darned hard to do). Pity poor Winona Ryder in Chanel. Chanel is not for young women, I don't care how glamorous they are. She looked like she was wearing fronds of black seaweed attached to one of her outfits from Dracula. And Jenny McCarthy was practically falling out of that phenomenally ugly Valentino. Bad enough the colors were putty, taupe, and mud; she looked like her silicone was fighting for survival underneath.

I happen to think Nicole Kidman is a beautiful woman, but her Dior gown was a fabulously constructed nightmare. Chartreuse cannot be worn next to the face by any Caucasian woman. Ask Madonna and any number of other fashion victims of Gucci last year. I was a bit surprised to see Holly Hunter manage to look unkempt in Vera Wang. I blame her hairstyle, but the gown was not terribly attractive either. Night is for excess, darlings, not minimalism! If you must go minimal, wear something very 30's and stylish, like Courtney Love, this year's plastic surgery poster girl. With her new nose and her new sleek looks, she was elegant in her white satin Versace.

The appearance of the tiara as a fashion accessory is one I applaud. I think more women should go around looking like fairy princesses, frankly. Salma Hayek looked divine in hers. Pity about the turquoise eyeshadow, which was probably the major makeup faux pas of the evening, after Lauren Bacall's fuzzy eyebrows. Lauren can be allowed, though, having contributed her share of glamor and elegance over the decades. Claire Danes, on the other hand, needs to take note and wear a bra if she's going to wear upscale clothing. (My number one advice to Gwyneth Paltrow is to stand up straight and get a bra, but she wasn't at the Oscars, which is a shame as she would have worn something by Calvin Klein.)

Mira Sorvino looked extremely pretty in her Herve Leger. Susan Sarandon looked just, well, odd in the Donna Karan with one spaghetti-strap shoulder and one puffy shoulder. I don't like Donna Karan's designs for evening, sorry. I did like Juliette Binoche as Endora, but that's my little quirk. My number one "Why in god's name didn't you look in the mirror before wearing that?" award goes to Kristin Scott Thomas in a Christian Lacroix gown that proved once and for all she has no chest and is extremely skinny. Being skinny and chestless is no crime; wearing a frou-frou gown to expose it is a fashion crime.

Next year, I hope to see proper collars on men, hats on women, and good taste all around. Vive l'Oscar!