Remember when you were little, how grownups would ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up? I changed my mind a lot, and had some odd ideas about what one did as an adult. I wanted to be a ballerina and cattle rancher, for example. At the same time. Later, I wanted to be a movie star, or a tv star, or just a celebrity. I definitely wanted to be famous. All of this burned in me as a sense of greatness waiting to unfold. Oddly, no one around me sensed the same things. I just knew I was a great child actor; why didn't I ever get lead parts in the school plays? I was an enthusiastic singer, but I never got solos. This bemused me. How could the grownups fail to notice me?
Fortunately, I didn't feel terribly concerned over this. I figured they'd be sorry later, and I kept on acting, singing, and trying to get attention at school. I wasn't disruptive, just annoying eager. Thankfully, I didn't realize I wasn't getting some of those roles and solos because I had no social standing via my parents, and I wasn't especially attractive as a little girl. Also, I was undoubtedly awkward, and I knew I wasn't the very best at any of it. I just thought I should have had my chance.
In fact, I did have my chances later. I studied choral conducting at university, and sang professionally, and acted in community theater briefly. I had a brush with fame via my writing, and I didn't like it one little bit. All that happened in my 20's. Meanwhile, I had no idea what I wanted to do when I grew up. I really didn't have a calling, and I really didn't know how to got about sorting out what I wanted from life.
I finally did, though. I've figured it out. I want to be happy, and I want to be good.
Does that sound vague? It's not. I have spent a long, long time learning to walk away from people and situations that are bad news. I've slowly carved away other people's expectations from my sense of self. I've worked extremely hard at understanding what makes me happy, what makes me crazy, and what makes life comfortable. Being happy is a talent, but it's also a skill. I've developed that, I hope. Being good is much harder.
I don't mean being saintly. I mean being a whole person, striving to be kind and sensible and polite and understanding, able to look past as much crap as possible and see the best of what is there. The ability to forgive is pretty important; to stop dragging around old hurts, and old grievances. Being optimistic, but not wearing rose-colored glasses. All that stuff. You know. It's difficult. It's much easier to be jerky, and self-centered, and make everyone around you suffer for your own shortcomings. Boy, is it ever.
Just in case anyone asks, I know what I want to be when I grow up, now. Dunno how well I'm doing, but it's what I'm working on.