My father has cancer, and I don't feel so hot myself.
Of course, I don't have to go through chemo to feel better (and what an oxymoron that is). All I have to do is quit my job, and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I finally hit rock bottom. The moment of clarity was all very dispassionate. No tempers, no horrible clients, no bad, bad day. Just a statement from one of my bosses that completely encapsulated why I am not working out at my job, though that wasn't what she meant by it at all. She said, "Lucy, you make at least one mistake a day."
Only one?
Truly, what can I say except that's right, I do make at least one mistake a day? Most of them aren't big mistakes. Most of them are completely recoverable with no real loss of time or money involved. A very few of them are mistakes that have an impact on our bottom line, but in all cases I've been able to resolve them in our favor (I occasionally mess up paperwork, for instance). I've never sent a client to the wrong destination, or overcharged anyone, or been rude to anyone. I've done my best, worked hard, learned a lot, and made a lot of people happy... but not, apparently, my bosses. Although that seems unfair. Let's say, instead, I'm the wrong person for the job they have in mind.
Well, hey, I knew that (and by virtue of reading this diary you knew that) my third week on the job. But I can't stand thinking of myself as a quitter so I stuck around trying to be better, trying to improve, trying one more time to be something I'm not. God, when will I have the faith in myself to bail out the moment I recognise such situations? I'm not beating myself up over this, though. It was a great opportunity to start work immediately upon arrival, commute with my husband, and earn quite a lot more than I thought I'd be able to command. It wasn't a bad decision. It just turned out to be a poor match. I'm not going to be ashamed of that. I am not a quitter. I do make mistakes. This was one of them.
As for my father, he's still in hospital. Lymphoma is curable, they say, and he's expected to make a full recovery. He'll be getting zapped every three weeks for six months and will lose his hair but gain an immune system. We are instructed not to worry. I'm trying. I'm just grateful there's something that can be done and he's letting them do it.
