I need some positive motivation. I have been gradually allowing guilt to become my prime motivator. Not, oddly enough, when it comes to going to the gym. That part's easy. I like how I feel after working out, it's more than enough motivation. But the eating business is a daily challenge. I'm so thoroughly tired of fighting myself over what to eat.
Don't get me wrong, I'm making healthy choices most of the time. And speaking of Healthy Choice, here's some free advice: avoid their sausage patties. Foul, unspeakable stuff. It's one of those items that I'll add to the list of things I won't compromise on. If I'm going to have sausage then I'll have real sausage but, and this is not up for compromise, I won't eat as much as I want. Portion control is the ticket. That, and not allowing it to be part of my weekly diet. Fatty meats don't live here any more.
But lordy, I am so whipped about what to eat for lunch every week. I don't bring my lunch because those forty-five minutes are my only chance to get away from the office. I need that time to sit and read and decompress. I budget for it. The problem is I am exceptionally bored with the menus nearby. I know, you're weeping for me. All I'm saying is I need more motivation to keep me from giving in and eating nachos for lunch instead of a healthy sandwich or even a cheeseless burrito. Seriously, one small plate of veggie nachos is 20 points compared to a burrito for 12 or a turkey sandwich for 8. I cannot afford to eat like that and blow so many calories on one little lunch. Because of course I'm still going to eat dinner. It's not so much a matter of weight loss as change in lifestyle. I don't think my commitment to change is as deep as it needs to be. I'm afraid once I reach a certain weight I'll say, "Oh, screw it, this is good enough."
I don't want to be 194. I want to be 150. Sixteen pounds is a good weight loss, but that's not even a third of the way to where I'm going. I want nachos. I want pizza. I want patty melts. I want eggs and sausage and... all right, I know. I know I've had them. I actually have had all of those things except pizza since I started. And it hasn't been as long as all that, it's only been ten weeks. So what am I really feeling deprived about? What's really going on?
I don't know. I was hoping you could tell me.
Maybe if I bought a different size. If I could just find a 16 that fit I might feel a huge rush of motivation. Something that says, "Oh yeah, you have definitely lost a lot of weight." It's really not enough to simply fit into my old clothes, or have some of them be loose. That only makes me feel guilty because I ought not to have gotten too big for them. I know that's not the right attitude, but I also know that's exactly what's going on in my head. Alas, I can't buy a new wardrobe, I'm not a size 16 yet. And I wouldn't want to invest in a lot of new clothes when my ultimate plan is to be a 14 or a 12. But...just one? Just one little pair of jeans or maybe a top that's not a size X but a number?
Oh for crying out loud, this is pathetic. This is so unimportant compared to lives being lost or children going hungry because there's no food due to a war. I feel guilty caring about feeling guilty. My perspective has gone awry and I can't get it back.
And I'm tired of being a travel agent right now, too. It isn't where I work, it's what I do. I want to scream at my clients for being suspicious of my quotes, and geographically impaired, and whiny about things I can't control like how long it takes to check in these days. I'm sick of hearing about what the Internet has that I can't get for them. I can't conjure up flights or fares, I'm at the mercy of the airlines, and if they decide to screw the public I can't help that. No, I don't know if the United Airlines mechanics will ratify their new contract and keep the planes flying. No, I don't know every single thing there is to know about air, car, hotels, packages, tours, and cruises. I'm one person, I try my best, I know a lot, but I don't know it all and I am particularly tired of feeling like that's not good enough. I feel like a failure as a travel agent. It's just not fun anymore.
Except when it is, of course. It's not all bad, not every day is fits of angst and guilt. But I really must acknowledge that I've got too much going on, I think, if I'm going to stop being so hard on myself. School on top of work, a radical change of diet, and going to the gym twice a week is a lot to handle. We've had quite a lot of adjusting to do with adding a new dog to our household, and although that's settled down for the most part it's an ongoing process. And I'm not out of the woods with panic attacks yet, either. I'm still working on all the things that I learned this last summer and fall, still trying to make room for the things that matter most to me. It's meant getting serious about letting go of activities and people that don't fit in with my goals for myself. It means reassessing, judging, evaluating, looking for balance.
You know, I think I'll go shopping this evening. If I find jeans in size 16 I'm buying them as a token of my ongoing commitment to reaching my weight goal. If I don't, I'll find something in whatever size fits that shows off my smaller body. New clothes are a powerful motivator for me. I'm going with what works.
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