Pardon me while I wallow in utter bafflement and self-pity. I got my three month review at work today, and it wasn't at all what I wanted to hear. Not only have I screwed up a few times (not a major point of the review, thankfully) but my bosses expect me to take on more and more work and they're "concerned" I'm not up to it. Apparently, despite my best efforts, despite my being constantly busy, I am not carrying the load they expected. My productivity is about half what they projected it should be. I have only one thing to say in response.

I suck.

You know, this is the worst part about being in the wrong job. You put a monumental amount of effort and goodwill into doing your best but it's never, ever good enough. I want to beat my head against the wall. They're such lovely people, my bosses. I like my co-workers. I'm working at what I thought was capacity. What if this is as good as I can be? What if I don't want to work any harder than really, really hard? I hate to whine about my inadequacies all the time but this not measuring up nonsense gets old.

The truly maddening part of the review was where they told me not to clutter up the computer records with documentation. I was speechless. They printed out an example of one of my client records and pointed to the giant, hulking 18 lines of commentary I'd added above and beyond things like address and name fields. Waste, they said. Put it down on paper, they said, don't keep using the computer. They have these little file cards they keep on all of our clients, and everyone but me writes down lots of notes and important numbers on the file cards for each reservation. I find this method pointless, not to mention a colossal waste of time, breathtakingly inefficient, and deeply lame. I tried desperately to control the look of horror on my face as they chided me for being computer dependent, but I doubt I was entirely successful.

Ah, the hell with it. I'll try to remember to write things down on little bits of paper and make my desk look as messy as everyone else's if it'll make them happy. I won't be there more than a year, anyway, if my plans go well. I try to compensate for sucking so much at work by doing a good job of being myself after work. I am really good at being a cat mom, for instance. I'm spectacular at doodling around in Photoshop for hours. I'm the champion consumer of science fiction novels in this house (current favorite being David Weber's space operas). And I make a fabulous beef stroganoff.

Ha ha, puny mortals! I defy you to find any other online diarist/travel agent/virtual reality wizard/graphic artist quite like me. Away with your pathetic, old-fashioned note cards and fear of computers. I have better things to do than fret about someone else's notion of what I should be. I have just one thing to say about it.

I rule.