Some days I wish I could go back in time and unsay some of the tremendously boneheaded things I've blurted out. I'm currently wishing this with great fervor because, long after the fact, I realized I made two comments at Potlatch that are sure to create gossip if I just ignore them. Augh! Why don't I think before I speak? Why am I so flip when I'm at parties? It's not like I can blame alcohol, or drugs, or any outside influence. I'm just a 5-star dork on a regular basis and I need a time machine to fix my own mistakes.
My specialty this weekend was sharing too much. See, I was talking to Luke McGuff about a dream I'd had with him in it earlier that day. I'll just mention this dream involved me and Luke (whom, by the way, I've known for an astonishing amount of time) being at a Sex Ranch. Luke was amused by it and we started riffing on the idea. Somehow, and I really do not remember what led up to this, I managed to imply I was interested in having sex again only because of moving back to the Bay Area. I also became really animated in discussing bondage and domination on MOOs, online sex in general, and flirting with guys in real and virtual life. I got to talking about how I would never consider having an affair with either an online diarist or a fan because, duh, they'd write it up. I was considerably taken aback when I reconstructed that conversation in my mind this morning and thought about how much it sounded like I'd have an affair if only I knew I wouldn't get caught.
Oy. I mean, hey, I do think flirting is a fine thing and I'm not immune to Jimmy Carter-like lust in mah heart. If I had the option, I'd probably try polyamory. It might be disastrous; I don't know if I'm really the sort of person who can juggle more than one lover and more than one relationship. The thing is, I don't think this belittles the relationship that I have, or means I am secretly not happy with what I have.
I guess the main problem with my motor mouth is I forget that talking about my sex life, or aspects of it at any rate, tend to reflect on my husband. As far as I'm concerned, I'm still an independent woman. I own my own sexuality. My fantasies and desires and kinks may or may not involve anyone I'm actually sleeping with; this hasn't changed in 20 years, and I've only been married for 8, so why would anyone assume I'm talking about John when I talk about what turns me on or off? Ha ha. Aw, hell. I'm just a gal who likes to talk about sex, you know?
As for the Sex Ranch dream, I'm afraid you'd be disappointed. In it, Luke and I were wandering around hoping something really cool and erotic would happen, but nothing did. Eventually, we went and had coffee.
Dang, Luke said. Just like real life.